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As of late, I have been feeling a tremendous sinking as apparent from my previous post and maybe before it.  I'd stopped going to biochem at 10:30, almost mid day.  I'd stopped going over labs before class, and stopped printing out notes and showing up late.  What has gotten into me is a tremendous sag.  On days that are dry, I can ride my bike and surprisingly that gives me most if not all the relief I get during my days.  So when it rains and its freezing cold, I am completely locked in.  Attendence in class and arrival time has been fixed to whether I got enough sleep and how the weather is looking.  But I've been noticing even when the days are dry and the sun is out briefly between classes, I'm still dreading the future.  Dreading seems to be all that I have been doing lately. Though the exams are withing days, and I am without a general idea of what is being taught I am still withering in dread and procrastination.  There is always so much to do, I never feel there is an end and the results are always as expected, never spectacular.

Thus I have no incentive to suffer for weeks when I can suffer for days and get away with the same thing.  It's always the same.  I know my stuff but there is always little I can do. 

But now that I've given a new meaning to "slack," I'm beginning to taste the wisdom seeping into my adolescent skull.  The truth is, suffering is in fact inevitable.  But I've never gotten away with satisfaction by sparing a little suffering.  Pulling through "OK" never brought me satisfaction regardless of effort.  And I've been struggling with the effort thing intensely.  But I think it's suddenly become clear to me that there is only one choice in this.  There is only one thing that counts.  Succeeding.

I really need to start seeing it.  I need to learn to take satisfaction in falling from a good fight.  If I don't I will only find dead end streets.

As much as I hate to say this, hopelessness sweeps through every now and then and eats at my soul.  And it hurts.   I know I'm not alone.  But something pushed me over again and I feel horribly depressed.  People I thought I once knew turning out to be different.  Turning out and proving me wrong.  And if I'm wrong I don't know what to believe. Perhaps I lack faith.  But I don't want a misdirected faith.

I don't know if I can believe myself.  I don't know if I can keep doing this, believing I'm always right.  The air is lukewarm and I don't feel same.  I always thought there was a reason and that reason never lied.  Lately I've been feeling like an asshole.  Apparently someone thinks I'm an asshole as she so politely put it.  Although my reasons are valid, it feels wrong.  She's wrong but something tells me she's got a point.  I shouldn't have said that.  My humour is a bit untamed.  And whether or not she took it the wrong way doesn't matter.  That was an asshole move.  I said it and now I'm seeing the full extent of my inaccuracy, even if my defense is legitimate.  The human factor is something I rarely take into account. The line isn't clear at all and I think that's what's stumped me.

What's really in my way here?  I think I've been looking for a reason to give up and I got it.  Though the logic of it fits, the reality doesn't.  And I've never been so lost on this matter.  This matter of women.

Whatever I thought I knew means nothing to me anymore.  And that's a showstopper.

There is so much... so much and no beginning for it.  God help me.