November 20th, 2009
Dumbness
Being a worm would really suck. I mean you live underground, you eat dirt all day, you live by yourself, you do it with yourself, and when it rains you drown in a puddle on your own front porch and when its dry you're already buried in your own grave. It really makes me think where you end up is important.
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You know a lot of times I think people don't get what college really does to me. It literally pokes holes in your dreams like a balloon and tests how much water it will hold before bursting; when you finally trip and its all downhill from there. And when even the tiniest pin prick turns into a big hole when the responsibilities are loaded on you. College makes it clear where these holes are. Every little bother to me now is itself a hole. The little anomalies that occur to me in direct contrast to all of my logic become huge gaping leaks. How am I supposed to continue bearing more weight and responsibility if I can't even control the smallest of leakages? And when your family has little regard for what you really think and nothing ever gets through to them - you feel like you're the only one holding onto your dreams.
I imagine myself as this foolish child trying to tie down a giant kite in the middle of a monsoon; naive because I'm taking care of this kite instead of seeking shelter for myself. Is this what the calling is about - losing all your senses and grabbing onto something that is fated for doom? I suppose there is some beauty in that but when you look at it from this particular point in time, it looks completely foolish. But I think the really troubling thing comes when I ask myself, how often do I really come across something this right?
It's different facing your own reality instead of looking through at other people's lives, be it in TV shows, news, or the people around you. I wish people would realize this because it gets old seeing the same arguments, the same problems with judgement and poor communication. The difference between the "me" when I was in high school and the "me" now is probably this urgency to constantly get better. They say this is the "genius" peak age. That this is the height of most people's genius or brilliance and after, their neurons become less active and you become less agressive towards your goals. The example I commonly hear is, you don't see Bill Gates developing programs anymore after his break of genius, or that crime dips off after this age because people stop feeling like they can get away with crime. And it makes me think where my genius is going to land me.
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What I don't get is why we can't understand God. We understand our world in several dozens of dimension, we understand time and space, matter and energy broken down, we have the option of destroying life from this planet, we are already bigger than ourselves and I am lacking in faith because I doubt that there is an answer to solve everything anymore because our best solution, the best thing we can do is to take it and accept it. It is possible that God is not perfect either, that everytime he turns around we are caught with our hands in his pockets wanting more. In which case he is not the all knowing being but just one step above us - just one step ahead of us. What if he's working tirelessly like any father would for his children and we're just being noisy rotten children?
Anyways I'm really tired of religion being an excuse for people to be self-righteously idiotic. Just because you go to church and you pray to God does not mean you are always doing the right thing. Further, explaining failure and coincidences and mistakes as destiny and a sign. The right thing to do is to open your eyes and see for yourself where you are walking instead of bumping into other blind people to hold hands with. I shouldn't complain, it has a lot of positives and negatives just like everything else. You take it with your food everyday and it'll become normal.
